Why Debating in Tough Conversations Is the Fastest Way to Lose Influence
Most leaders make the same mistake in tough conversations. They treat them like debates. Someone says something you think is wrong — politically, strategically, factually — and you jump in to correct it. You challenge, you counter, you explain. It feels like leadership. But with defensive or polarised people, it is the fastest way to shut them down.
I saw this years ago at Sydney University during an election campaign. A Greens activist was handing out pamphlets outside the library. A student walked past in a completely different political world — and the activist blocked her path and asked who she was voting for. When she answered, the attack was immediate: how can you? They're throwing children overboard, killing immigrants. The student burst into tears and ran off.
I remember thinking: that was the opposite of influence. No one changes their mind before they feel heard.
The research backs this up. A large study published in the British Journal of Political Science, with over 4,000 participants, looked at how to communicate in highly polarised situations — including with people holding conspiracy beliefs. They tested debate, counter-argument and finding common ground. None of it worked. In fact, it made people more entrenched. The only thing that softened positions was open communication — not persuading, not correcting, not even agreeing, but open-ended questions that let people think out loud.
The lead researcher summed it up plainly: only open questioning made a positive contribution under highly polarised conditions.
The leadership shift: stop asking how do I change their mind? Start asking how do I understand how they got here? Because an old mentor once told me — you cannot influence unless you are influenced by.
If you want to lower the temperature in a tense conversation, try this: replace your counter-argument with one open question. What has led you to that view? If your first move in a tense conversation is to explain, you have already lost influence. Start with a question. That is where real leadership begins.
